this is why we need not donate.

Okay, so we've all been in a situation where we've been pressured to donate. Whether it be money, blood, clothing, or even money. Money. Even if you say that "money doesn't make the world go 'round", we all know that it does. Money is why the Earth spins. Money is why green is my favorite color. Common sense.

But, really. How many times have you received a call from a private caller? A salesman? The village? On a daily basis, I think I get about 10 calls from a salesman. Not meaning to brag, but those salesman are attracted to me. And it's flattering. Really. So as any flattered person is tempted to do, I pick up the phone, "Hello?" And, of course, on the other end, "Hi. This is Sally Sleeperdonerwhatever and I'm calling to see if you're interested in our fundraising program to help the orphans in the South Pole?"

Now, Sally Sleeperdonerwhatever has almost got me interested and I ask for details, "Yeah. That's nice."

Sally Sleeperdonerwhatever: "On behalf of the orphans, we're asking for donations anywhere from five-hundred dollars to 5 million ka-trillion dollars. Any donations made should be shipped in an envelope, or a box, depending on the size of your wad of cash. Shipping is an additional 20 bucks so please keep this in mind when mailing. The address to mail to is--"

"Suck it!" I yell into the receiver. Overwhelmed, I hang up the phone. Just like that my flattery turns into fury. What the heck do orphans in the South Pole want my frigging money for? Any orphan in the South Pole in need of money needs to see a psychiatrist! Besides, most of the orphans down there end up being polar bear-food anyway. I mean, If you're that far down on the Earth, you'd think you'd just fall off already.

But then it occurred to me, what if there really were no orphans in the South Pole? What if it was all a scam? What if all salesmen and fundraisers are secretly scammers? WHAT IF all along the orphans in the South Pole and Africa and Asia and Paris are the rich ones?

It was all so clear to me now. My theory was so good I wrote it all down and addressed the letter to Bill Gates. I mean, Bill Gates is the one that's really getting scammed here. He's the one that gave over 9 ka-trillion dollars to orphans all over the world!

But then what if Bill Gates stopped donating? What if we all just quit donating? Sure, all the "poor" orphans in the South Pole and Africa and Asia and Paris would eventually die off. All that would be left would be the middle class and the upper class. Without the lower class to keep everything balanced, prices would go up. McDonald's would be McDollars. Delia*s would be Dollara*s. It would cost you one hundred dollars just to see a movie. In your own home!

So maybe donating isn't so bad. Maybe scamming isn't so bad. Maybe robbing a bank or two while your still in your early twenties is good for the environment.

Without bankruptcy, where the heck would the world be? I'll tell you where, we'd all be peaceful.
And we wouldn't want that to happen!

Anyway, the real message here is to go out and donate. Just remember, every time you donate, you're keeping taxes up and bankruptcy higher than ever.